Match-dot-comedy

I admit it. I spent six months on match-dot-com a few years ago. I've had a lot of people ask me a lot of questions about it. Mostly guys. Mostly guys who found me on match-dot-com. Mostly guys who found me on match-dot-com and got rejected. Mostly guys who found me on match-dot-com and got rejected and couldn't understand why.

As a public service, I've written the following primer. I hope it will help you understand where you went wrong and help you succeed in the future. Just don't try succeeding with ME, you're already off my list.

Instructions for match-dot-com suitors:

1. Pass the reading comprehension portion of the program. Don't 'wink'. I don't respond to 'winks.' This directive seems clear. Still, winks stacked up in my inbox like planes waiting to land at O'Hare. I can only assume you were winking just to irritate me. You'll be pleased to know that it worked. 

More likely, you never even read as far as 'don't wink'. You saw a photo, thought it was cute, and that was enough to make you believe in our destiny. Although that makes a very compelling case, I beg to differ. 

If you can't read the whole profile, at least read the summary and scan the "about my date" section. It can be difficult to know what a woman really means, so let me translate: "Seeking men 40 - 50" means that we are seeking men 40 to 50. "Do not want to have kids" means that we do not want to have kids. "Smoking: No Way" means Smoking: No Way. “No” means no. I think you get the idea. 

If you don't meet any of my criteria, don’t act surprised and offended when I point out that we're not a good match. If I politely turn you down, there is no need to send an angry response. Should you feel compelled, perhaps anger management classes would be a better investment than a match-dot-com subscription. 

2. Don’t recite your entire life story in your first email. A paragraph introducing yourself is more than sufficient. If you don’t have anything more interesting to say than “I think U R Hot, let’s meet”, don’t expect a response. 

3. USE SPELL CHECK. I cannot stress this enough. If you don’t have a spell check program, get someone to proofread your profile. Everyone is granted a few typos, but a profile brimming with spelling and grammar errors that a third-grader could identify will be immediately 86'd. Learn the difference between a plural and a possessive. And for the love of Mike, don’t litter your text with little smiley faces or “LOL” or, worst of all, “hahaha’s”.  By the way, saying that you grew up in Michigan or that you value hard work has nothing whatsoever to do with your "ethnicity." Use the dictionary and stop looking up everything on Wikipedia.  Also, saying that you come from a "good Swedish back round" makes no sense whatsoever unless you happen to be a side of beef.

Your  actual profile content: 

1. Don't lie about your age because you "don't look it" or so you "won't be left out of people's searches." Girls do all kinds of crazy ass searches, just for sport. Trust me, we'll find you. 

2. Don't post pictures that are 8 years old, 50 pounds lighter,  have you hidden under a hat and sunglasses or that look suspiciously like stills of Tom Cruise in Risky Business. Some of you are laughing, but others KNOW who you are. Kindly deep-six those pictures of you with your shirt off, flexing your muscles or in the shower. Please use the phrase "athletic and toned" judiciously. Playing volleyball fifteen years ago or walking on the elliptical twice per week doesn't make you 'athletic and toned.' 

3. If you are “currently separated” for less than a year –  move along. You may think you are ready for a relationship, but you aren’t. Don’t play the ‘But I’ve been emotionally separated for years’ card. There should be a mandatory 12-month waiting period before you’re allowed back into even the shallow end of the dating pool. 

Unfortunate experiences have made me careful about people I 'meet' online. If I don't answer personal questions, give out my phone number or agree to meet you after one email, don't push. Bullying or getting nasty isn’t going to win you any answers. If you try those tactics, don’t be surprised when I never write back. 

If we do meet, and you decide we aren’t a match, please don’t pull the ‘disappear off the face of the earth’ act. Call, or email, and say ‘thanks for meeting with me but I don’t think we’re a good match.’ I don’t need 101 reasons – or ANY reasons - why. Just put on your big girl panties and wrap things up properly. 

I hope the guidelines above help you in your quest to meet that perfect person online. I believe I'll just continue to patiently wait for Tom Selleck to get divorced.