Suicide Hotline

SH: Hello, Suicide Hotline, how can I help you?

Caller: I’m going to kill myself.

SH: How?

Caller: How what?

SH: How are you going to kill yourself?

Caller: I – well – I don’t know!

SH: Well that’s kind of an important piece of information to have, don’t you think?

Caller: I hadn’t thought that much about it.

SH: Well maybe you’d better.

Caller: I don’t know – stick my head in the oven.

SH: Do you have a gas oven?

Caller: I don’t think so.

SH: Well then that’s not going to work out very well, is it?

Caller: Okay, I’ll shoot myself.

SH: Do you have a gun?

Caller: No.

SH: You haven’t really done your homework on this, have you?

Caller: I have a bottle of pills I can take.

SH: What kind?

Caller: Let me check. Doan’s Little Liver Pills

SH: Do those things work?

Caller: I don’t know, I’ve never taken one.

SH: Then why do you have them?

Caller: They were in the medicine cabinet when I moved into the apartment.

SH: When was that?

Caller: 1987. Is that important?

SH: What do you pay for rent?

Caller: Fifteen hundred bucks.

SH: Geez, no wonder you want to kill yourself.

Caller: You’re not helping.

SH: Okay, what floor do you live on?

Caller: Fifth.

SH: Why don’t you jump out the window?

Caller: You want me to jump out the window?

SH: Well, we’re running out of other options aren’t we?

Caller: I thought you were supposed to talk me out of it!

SH: Why would I want to do that?

Caller: Because you’re the Suicide Hotline!

SH: You must want the Suicide PREVENTION Hotline. This is the SUICIDE Hotline. We’re here to help you kill yourself.

Caller: Why would you want to help me kill myself?

SH: Clearly SOMEbody’s going to have to help you.

Caller: How much is this call costing me?

SH: Why do you care, you’re killing yourself.

Caller: You people are sick! (CLICK).