Fashion Police

I think there should be Fashion Police.

Not the perky, quirky TV personalities that tell you "what not to wear" – but a uniformed task force with the authority to hand out citations to people who exhibit no fashion sense. I'm not talking about people who aren't able to put together a chic ensemble. I'm talking about people who leave the house looking like the fashion equivalent of a train wreck.

Case in point: I remember seeing a very overweight woman out shopping. She was wearing a fire-engine red lycra top that looked several sizes too small, tighty-white spandex pants and underwear with blue flowers on them (clearly visible under the spandex). Okay, in what alternate universe does ANYone think that this sort of look is attractive? Hey lady, you know that big long thingy hanging on the back of your closet door? It's called a mirror. Howzabout you take a look in it before you leave the house wearing something that's going to permanently scar my retinas?

Which brings me to the First Law of Fashion:

Spandex: it's a privilege, not a right. 1% of the population looks good in spandex. Chances are, you're not in that percentile.

Second Law of Fashion:
Tight clothing does NOT make you look slimmer. It makes you look like you have no idea what size clothing you should wear or that you just made three trips to the all you can eat buffet. If you look like you'll need the Jaws of Life to extract you from your jeans, go back to your closet and pick something else.

Third Law of Fashion:
Muffin top doesn't look good on anyone. I don't care if you're fifteen or fifty. If you're wearing low slung jeans and you're spilling out over the top of them, it ain't pretty. Muffin top is nature's way of telling you that you either need a bigger size, or need to lay off the Cheetos.

Fourth Law of Fashion:
Just because it's "in style" doesn't mean you should wear it. Not all styles look good on all body types. I cannot stress this enough.

Fifth Law of Fashion:
Underwear should be just that. We don't wanna see your fine washables peeking out from under your shirts or pants. We don't wanna see your plumber's crack, either. For the love of Pete, wear clothing that keeps your private parts private.

And my final piece of advice: check out all the angles. YOU may not have to look at your backside, but other people do.

No matter what your size or shape, there is clothing that can flatter you. It's your civic duty (or should be) to find it and wear it. It doesn't have to have a hefty price tag or a designer's name on it. It can come from Wal Mart or Goodwill. It just has to look good on you.

Just consider it your little contribution toward making America more beautiful.