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When you’re excited about the prospect of finding a new home, it’s easy to get bedazzled by descriptions that make rental listings sound idyllic. Before you get excited about that too-good-to-be-true little place on your ‘must see’ list, you’ll want to understand the true meanings behind oft-used adjectives in rental listings. You may wish to curb your enthusiasm until you’ve read this handy primer of descriptive terms.

Rustic – if you died, nobody would find you for weeks. The toilet is outdoors and you will have to fight the bears to use the Charmin.

Quaint – The equivalent of being told that your blind date “has a great personality.”

Charming - big enough for one of the seven dwarves to live in it. But not one of the fat ones.

Immaculate – recently steam cleaned top to bottom because of bedbug infestation and smoke damage from previous client.

Remodeled – We had to fix a bunch of shit or the county was going to condemn it.

Garden apartment – there is some sort of flowery thing covering half of the front door. You are probably allergic to it.

Cozy – If you actually want to sit down while you pee, this isn’t the place for you.

Combination bathroom/shower – The shower is not enclosed. When you take a shower, the whole room gets wet. This includes the light switch. The good news is you can take a shower while you’re sitting on the toilet.

Extra storage  area – there is a big plastic trunk outside the back door. You can use half of it.

Suitable for one person – but not for you.

Lots of history – three people have been murdered here.

Quiet – no one will hear you scream.

A Gardener’s dream – eight years of weeds await you.

Phone and internet not included – But if you going up on the roof, you might get a signal up there.

Close to transportation – you can hitch a ride with the logging trucks to the main road.

Month to month rental agreement – your rent will go up three hundred dollars exactly 32 days after you move in.

Furnished – My wife wouldn’t let me keep my man-cave furniture and velvet paintings of dogs playing poker after we got married. I had to put them somewhere.

Freshly painted – it was the only way to cover the blood stains

New flooring – see above

Plenty of natural light – no electricity.

Unrestricted view – not much grows here since those fires come through every year.

Well water -  mostly in the basement.

On a septic system –  Try not to flush.

Grocery store just down the road – but the road itself is ten miles away.