When you’re excited about the prospect of finding a new
home, it’s easy to get bedazzled by descriptions that make rental listings
sound idyllic. Before you get excited about that too-good-to-be-true little
place on your ‘must see’ list, you’ll want to understand the true meanings
behind oft-used adjectives in rental listings. You may wish to curb your
enthusiasm until you’ve read this handy primer of descriptive terms.
Rustic – if you
died, nobody would find you for weeks. The toilet is outdoors and you will have
to fight the bears to use the Charmin.
Quaint – The
equivalent of being told that your blind date “has a great personality.”
Charming - big
enough for one of the seven dwarves to live in it. But not one of the fat ones.
Immaculate –
recently steam cleaned top to bottom because of bedbug infestation and smoke
damage from previous client.
Remodeled – We had
to fix a bunch of shit or the county was going to condemn it.
Garden apartment –
there is some sort of flowery thing covering half of the front door. You are
probably allergic to it.
Cozy – If you
actually want to sit down while you pee, this isn’t the place for you.
Combination bathroom/shower – The shower is not enclosed. When you take a shower, the whole room
gets wet. This includes the light switch. The good news is you can take a
shower while you’re sitting on the toilet.
Extra storage
area – there is a big plastic trunk
outside the back door. You can use half of it.
Suitable for one person
– but not for you.
Lots of history – three
people have been murdered here.
Quiet – no one will
hear you scream.
A Gardener’s dream –
eight years of weeds await you.
Phone and internet not included – But if you going up on the roof, you might get a
signal up there.
Close to transportation
– you can hitch a ride with the logging trucks to the main road.
Month to month rental agreement – your rent will go up three hundred dollars
exactly 32 days after you move in.
Furnished – My wife
wouldn’t let me keep my man-cave furniture and velvet paintings of dogs playing
poker after we got married. I had to put them somewhere.
Freshly painted – it
was the only way to cover the blood stains
New flooring – see
above
Plenty of natural light
– no electricity.
Unrestricted view –
not much grows here since those fires come through every year.
Well water - mostly in the basement.
On a septic system
– Try not to flush.
Grocery store just down the road – but the road itself is ten miles away.
