All I want for Christmas....

The characters:

Nervous little overweight bank teller.

Redhead, with a gun and an attitude, on a mission.

The scene:

A petite redhead in long black coat, wearing dark glasses, walks in to a Wells Fargo bank. She approaches the only available teller; a short, bespectacled, slightly overweight middle-aged man in round glasses who is wearing a tie with a commemorative Wells Fargo ‘ten years of service’ tie clasp.

Teller: How many I help you?

Redhead: (producing a bag and a small gun which she discreetly levels at the tellers’s tie clasp) Do exactly what I say, Mr. ‘ten years service’, and nobody has to get hurt.

Teller: oh my. (reaches for cash drawer)

Redhead: Don’t do that!

Teller: Don’t do what?

Redhead: Get your hand out of the cash drawer! Now!

Teller: What?

Redhead: You heard me.

Teller: You don’t want money?

Redhead: No. Keep your stinking money.

Teller: You want a cashier’s check?

Redhead: Don’t get cocky.

Teller: Well, what do you want then? We’re running out of choices.

Redhead: I want a Pony.

Teller: What?

Redhead: Do you have a hearing problem? I want a pony. Put the pony in the bag.

Teller: I can’t give you a pony

Redhead: I’m sorry, WHAT did you say?

Teller: Ponies are for customers who open new accounts only. I can’t just give them away. Do you want to open a new account?

Redhead: NO, I don’t want to open an account. I have THREE accounts here and I’ve been a customer for fifteen years. I deserve a damned pony.

Teller: (Leaning in closely so nobody hears him) Look, the ponies are limited issue. I’m not allowed to give them away.

Redhead: I. Have. A. Gun.

Teller: You don’t understand. If one’s missing, my boss will have somebody’s head. I can’t give you a pony

Redhead: You’re not giving me a pony! I’m stealing a pony! It’s not the same thing.

Teller: Oh. Well, you have a point there. But….no, I can’t. I’d get fired. I’m just a few years from retirement. I can’t risk it.

Redhead: I’m losing patience. Put the pony in the bag. Tell your boss I had a gun. He’ll understand. I’m probably on your security camera footage. You’ll have proof. You won’t get into trouble.

Teller: I’ll give you a hundred bucks.

Redhead: What?

Teller (digging into his pants pocket) A hundred bucks. Of my own money.

Redhead: I don’t want your money!

Teller: Okay, two hundred. That’s all I’ve got on me at the moment. I can write you a check if you want more. You can go buy any stuffed pony in town!

Redhead: I don’t want any stuffed pony. I want THAT stuffed pony.

Teller: You don’t understand. The last teller that gave away an unauthorized pony disappeared. We have no idea what happened to him.

Redhead: Look around you. There are ponies everywhere. You really think they’re going to notice ONE is missing?

Teller: The ponies are numbered. They’re counted and locked in the safe every night. I think they might even be microchipped.

Redhead: I’m not leaving until I get a pony.

Teller: (tapping on computer keys) Do you know you don’t have a money market account with us?

Redhead: That’s because I don’t have any money. Hence, I’m standing in the bank with a gun. See a pattern?

Teller: You don’t have to have money to open the account. You’ve got up to 90 days to make a deposit before the account goes inactive.

Redhead: Look, little man. I don’t want a money market account. I want a pony.

Teller: If you open a money market account, I can give you a pony.

Redhead: What?

Teller: You don’t even have to use the account. Just let it expire. You get a pony, I keep my job. Everybody wins. (Pause) I’ll put a hundred bucks in it for you. (digs out a Ben Franklin and lays it on the counter.) Here.

Redhead: Um….what do I have to do?

Teller: Do you have your ATM card with you?

Redhead: Sure.

Teller: Just swipe it in the little machine, there.

Redhead: Er….okay. Hold this. (Hands gun to teller).

Teller: Um. Oh my. Okay.

Redhead: (swipes card) Okay.

Teller: Type in your PIN please.

Redhead: Okay.

Teller: (hands gun back to redhead). Thank you. (types a few entries on his keyboard.) There. That’s it. Your account is set up. You’ve got a hundred bucks in it. And I added the customer appreciation bonus of $5.

Redhead: Do I get a pony now?

Teller: Yes. Do you want a receipt?

Redhead: NO, I just want the pony.

Teller: (hands redhead a pony). Here you go. Oh, and here’s another hundred bucks cash because you had to wait so long.

Redhead: Gee. Thanks.

Teller: Lightning.

Redhead: What? That better not be a code word to call security! I’ve still got a gun!

Teller: It’s the pony’s name. Lightning.

Redhead: How do you know the pony’s name?

Teller: All the Wells Fargo plush ponies are modeled after real horses that used to pull the old Wells Fargo wagons.

Redhead: Really?

Teller: Yes. You can look up the history of all the ponies on our website.

Redhead: Wow. Thanks.

Teller: You’re welcome. I hope you’ve had an outstanding experience at Wells Fargo.

Redhead: I’ll put in a good word for you with your boss.

Teller: Can you not mention the gun thing, please?

Redhead: Oh. Sure.